australian sunsets... and answered prayers...

saw the most amazing sunset the other night... like none other so far...

maybe 'cuz of the sun itself? ... huge, fiery... bursting and beaming with a kaleidsocope of devastatingly rich, bright and luminescent colours spraying across the sky...

maybe 'cuz of the view? ... beautiful homes staggered amidst exotically outstretched non-north american trees that dotted the hilly horizon...

maybe 'cuz of the warm golden glow bursting through that picturesque visage? ...

or...

maybe 'cuz of what sits just below that hill...

the place where i was standing... walking...

or...

maybe it was where i was going that very splendid evening...

or...

maybe it was even the company i stood amongst...

hey... maybe it was a mixture of all those things...

or then again...



maybe it was just 'cuz of the SON after all...



GOD answers prayer...

the fervent effectual prayer of a righteous man avails much... what makes us righteous?... there is nothing about me that is righteous period... so then, what makes me the righteouseness of CHRIST?... being washed in the shed BLOOD of JESUS CHRIST on the cross alone...

GOD answers prayer...

GOD answers my prayers... BIG ones... little ones... old ones... new ones... DEEP ones... BEAUTIFUL ones... very BEAUTIFUL ones.

there were others answered that day and night as well... i wish i could tell u more about them... but i just can't right now, it's just not time yet...

but know this...

i was sorta caught off guard by my reaction... sorta in delayed and quiet awe, sorta at a loss for words... even thoughts... sorta in delayed disbelief, yet sorta non-reactive, yet sorta relieved by my non-reaction... yet sorta no big deal at all... like, as if i was just told a secret that i have known all my life... if that makes sense... sorta pondering news that i was expecting all along... sorta like, oh yeah i think i already knew that... no duh. just sorta cool.

sooyoo (aussie for so), i have a feeling, just a sense... of what is to come... stay tuned... it's gonna be awesome... it already is...

like i said... GOD answers prayer...

Jude 1
1-2, Jude, am a slave to Jesus Christ and brother to James, writing to those loved by God the Father, called and kept safe by Jesus Christ. Relax, everything's going to be all right; rest, everything's coming together; open your hearts, love is on the way!

GOD answers prayer...

and so i finally got my australian sunset, part of it anyway...

the australian sunset i have pondered pointlessly... or so i thought... the one i have imagined and waited for... the one i had longed to see and feel the warmth of my whole life... and sporadically spoke of since my earliest of moments... never even really knowing why???... until now.

and the best part is... there are so many more to come... sooo much more to come... actually, the very best... is still yet to come... my portion is HIM... it has been declared... it is mine... it is finished... i am in awe...

so i hope you can see, that it's not even about the sunset really... it's what the sunset represents... the promises of GOD.

...

and yet...

even as i write this, i am convicted and feeling hypocritical... so, knowing this very fact... knowing this very truth... why don't i pray more?!? what stops me? after all it's not about a special place or a special time or a special style of speech...

it's about constant communication with our CREATOR... the LOVER of our souls and the LIFTER of our heads... the BRIGHT and MORNING STAR... the ALPHA and OMEGA... THE BEGINNING and THE END... the most FAITHFUL, BESTEST FRIEND ever ever ever!!!

communication like that of family member... a best friend... a partner.

think about it... think about your relationships... the best ones are the ones where consistent and healthy communication is evident... you know the other person and they know you... to share what's in your heart and to receive what's in theirs... it doesn't have to be spoken in shakespeare-ian english either... it's not one sided... it's give and take... listen and talk and listen... like normal people do...

so, why is it then...

that we do the things we don't want to do...

and not do the things we do want to do???...

even paul struggled with this... so, guess i'm in good company then... comforting to know...

a lot of... randoms...

i love my little brother... alot... even though, sometimes, i have to "bring it" with him... a lot.


i love all my siblings and sister-in-laws... like sisters... a lot.


i love my neice and nephew... alot.


i love my aunts and my uncles, cousins and my dear dear dear AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING friends... a lot.


i love my former students... a lot.


i love freddy a lot... even though he is in heaven running and playing and jumping now... with JESUS. we will play again one day freddy... i will one day again, see... your beautiful, big, loving, almond shaped, brown eyes... long eyelashes and all... i miss u... a lot.

thank you JESUS for his life.


i love my mom and dad... 'til it hurts... and it has... a lot.


i just love... a lot.


i wish i had my journals with me... so much gold in them there books... logs of a life died and lived for HIM... an incredible journey... and the best is still yet to come...


finally just set up my voicemail for my australian mobile... i really don't even care... anyone who knows me, knows how i feel about the phone... waste of time. gotta go. hate it. add it to the 'bored' game pile plz...


bobbie houston mentioned me in her blog... with a few minor typographical errors... but who cares... it's the heart that matters anyway... heaps good.


the word... 'heaps' is used here a lot. i kinda like it. heaps. a lot.


oh yeah, got my TFN#... tax file number, the aussie version of the SS#... so, i guess, it's official... what? huh? who knows... not i.


i have a hillsong e-mail account now too!!! it's for fieldwork though...


i really wanna go snowboarding again... gonna try to set up a trip in july (our winter)...


i like very much matilda! (inside joke... sorry)


i love it when matilda prayers over me in swedish... it melts me...


sweden celebrates name days... each day of the year a random name is celebrated and a person who has that name gets a gift... yesterday was matilda day in sveda... lol... i gave her a homemade gift and card... she liked it... a lot.


sometimes i can't ever imagine going home... to new york that is.


the smell of fresh wildflowers daily fill the air...


i don't really hear foreign accents anymore...


over 62 nations are represented in my college intake (this semester)


the tide has turned... it's official... canadians are way more obnoxious and ignorant than the world thinks americans are... sorry to all my canadian friends... i luv u an all... but it's true... come on now... well, here anyway... except for the dancers, of course, and anyone they are related too as well... :-)


comments and thoughts are welcomed... even encouraged... i would love to hear from u...

***this blog is in honor of my younger bro today... as to show my love, in spite of us having a 'bit of a cyber go' earlier today... ('havin a go'... more aussie slang)

the beautiful silence...

i have been having some of those amazing moments again... those breathtaking, awe-inspiring moments... and sometimes they come in the form of those... OH MY!... GOD!!!... i'm A-C-T-U-A-L-L-Y here!?! moments... again...

the kind when you can't help but just be still... it's as if, for a brief moment in time, every part of me just pauses... and everything around me is still... like the peaceful hush of a gentle nightime snowfall... all becomes momentarily silenced...

and then there are times when i become silenced... beautifully silenced...truly tongue tied...

brief, but oh so beautiful moments... triggered by various things... mostly GOD though... actually completely GOD though... if not directly from HIM, then through something or someone created by HIM... the outworkings of HIS CREATIVE hands and com/passionate heart...

and... DANCE... the unspoken language between body and soul which expresses that which is too deep for words... is starting to have voice in my life... finally...

that seed that was planted...

by the ONE that knew me before i was born, the ONE that set me apart and ordained me a prophet to the nations, the ONE that fearfully and wonderfully knit me together in my mothers' womb... the ONE my frame was not hidden from when i was made in that secret place... when i was woven together in the depths of the earth... the ONE whose eyes saw my unformed body and ordained all of my days and wrote them in HIS book before one of them came to be... oh, how precious to me are HIS thoughts, o GOD... how vast is the sum of them!!!

sooo, it's that very seed... that has weathered many a storm and through death has come to... live... finally shuting forth LIFE... WORSHIP...

i wonder what that seed will fully blossom into???

i have a sense, but that's where it ends... for now...

i know better now, anyway, to think i can even begin to figure it all out... but this i do know... that the fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge and like david said... such knowledge is too wonderful for me... too high... i cannot attain it... so therefore, i no longer try...

WORD...Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

AMEN

beauty.

what is beauty?

dictionary.com says...

beau⋅ty: the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest).

beauty... it's that "thing" that we can't specifically define... yet we all know it when we see it... when we hear it... when we feel it... when we touch it... when we smell it... when we taste it... when we sense it...

when we dream about it...

like the beauty of a song that expresses the melody of a heart better than the heart itself...

like movement that communicates an unspoken language between body and soul that can express only that which is too deep for words...

beauty... even the word itself... has a beauty about it... within it resonates tranquility and splendor... peace, calm, rest... and awe.

beauty has perspective... beauty is in the eye of the beholder... or then again is it?... what delights my heart, may not delight yours... right?... and what does it actually mean to 'behold' anyway?...

oh, to gaze upon...

so, then WHO actually is the BEHOLDER here?... what wonderful secrets do we keep that we are completely unaware of??? what marvelous mysteries are hidden away in our hearts that we have yet to discover???... why are they locked away???... and who beholds the key???...

there is more to this beauty thing than even we know... and more to the BEHOLDER than we will ever know... this side of eternity anyway...

I AM... is... true beauty... a relevant GOD, with an intensely... jealously... passionately... burning... but oh so romantic love... a softly and steadily yet strongly resonating rhythm of a resounding heartbeat that beats deeply within us... made in the image of a magnificent CREATOR...

the sacred romance...

in the clefts of the rock,
in the secret places of the cliff,
let me see YOUR face,
let me hear YOUR voice;
for YOUR voice is sweet,
and YOUR face is lovely.”

you have ravished my heart,
with one look of YOUR eyes,

...his eyes are like doves
by the rivers of waters,
washed in milk,
mounted like jewels.

my lover is radiant and ruddy,
outstanding among ten thousand.

his head is purest gold;
his hair is wavy

his cheeks are like beds of spice
yielding perfume.
his lips are like lilies
dripping with myrrh.

his arms are rods of gold
set with chrysolite.
his body is like polished ivory
decorated with sapphires.

his legs are pillars of marble
set on bases of pure gold.
his appearance is like Lebanon,
choice as its cedars.

his mouth is sweetness itself;
he is altogether lovely

yes, he is altogether lovely.
this is my beloved,

i am my BELOVED’s,
and my BELOVED is mine.

before i was even aware,
my soul had made me...

turn your eyes away from me,
for they have overcome me.

promise me...
by the gazelles and wild deer,
not to awaken love before it's time.

who is this coming up from the desert
leaning on her lover?

how beautiful your sandaled feet,
o prince's daughter!
your graceful legs are like jewels,
the work of a craftsman's hands.

you have stolen my heart, my bride;
you have stolen my heart
with one glance of your eyes,
with one jewel of your necklace.

how beautiful you are and how pleasing,
o love, with your delights!

the king is held captive by your tresses.
how fair and how pleasant you are...

you are beautiful, my darling,
beautiful beyond words.

your eyes are like doves
behind your veil.
your eyes are like the sparkling pools in Heshbon
by the gate of Bath-rabbim.

your hair falls in waves,
like a flock of goats winding down the slopes of Gilead.

your teeth are as white as sheep,
recently shorn and freshly washed.

your smile is flawless,
each tooth matched with its twin.

your lips are like scarlet ribbon;
your mouth is inviting.

your cheeks are like rosy pomegranates
behind your veil.

your neck is as beautiful as the tower of David,
jeweled with the shields of a thousand heroes.

Your breasts are like two fawns,
twin fawns of a gazelle grazing among the lilies.

before the dawn breezes blow
and the night shadows flee,
i will hurry to the mountain of myrrh
and to the hill of frankincense.

oh, how beautiful you are! how pleasing and full of delights,
my darling, beautiful in every way.

you are slender like a palm tree,
and your breasts are like its clusters of fruit.
i said, “I will climb the palm tree
and take hold of its fruit.”

may your kisses be as exciting as the best wine,
flowing gently over lips and teeth.

come, my love, let us go out to the fields
and spend the night among the wildflowers.

let us get up early and go to the vineyards
to see if the grapevines have budded,
if the blossoms have opened,
and if the pomegranates have bloomed.

there I will give you my love.

promise me...
by the gazelles and wild deer,
not to awaken love before it's time...

i am my BELOVED’s,
and HIS desire is toward me.

come away, my BELOVED.

hosea's wife...

where do i begin... there in lies the problem... don't know... feel like a broken record sayin that, over and over... and over again... and sooo i labor to birth these paralytically swirling and disorganized thoughts onto virtual paper...

i sorta have writers block too, yet i try to write... i sorta have sooo much to say, yet nothing at all... i sorta have sooo much to share, but just don't know how...

i sorta just need something right now... but don't exactly know what... or then again maybe i do...

sisterhood united nite earlier tonight... the message tore me up on the inside... outside too... and can't even exactly say why... it just did... but it was good... real good...

been battling distractions... big time... at times... i seem to be chasing down, unsuccessfully if i may add, the discipline and focus i was once so wonderfully acquainted with... where has it gone?... i search for it... i grasp for it, momentarily catching it, then slipping through my clenched fingers... again and again and again...

sooo fickle... --- who???... sooo unfaithful... to my own heart... and... to the ONE who is FAITHFUL... the heart is deceitful above all things... who can understand it???

sooo frustrated cuz there is this thing in me that hungers to emerge... this creativity, this desire, this PASSION, this LIFE, this understanding, this movement, this worship, this heart that is held captive, imprisoned by.....??????????.....

sooo disgusted by... hosea's wife... ummm, us... ummm... me.

honestly, for the first time i can remember, i am struggling to be completely transparent here... cuz the stuff that GOD is gettting at... is deep, real deep, almost sacred within me... mindsets that need to change... stronghold's that need to be broken... TRUTH that needs to wash, cleanse and abound within... and...

LOVE... LOVE... LOVE...

i struggle with that 4 letter word, yet have such an overwhelming, overflowing, abounding capacity for it... how ironic.

why?... why?... why?...

with receiving GOD's love... don't know why... i guess i can rationalize it, pyscho-analyze it... theorize it... whateva... 'til the cows come home... or in this case... the 'roos... and i can probably even arrive at a reasonably logical answer... but in this case, logic is just not acceptable and it's not TRUTH...

i have only just begun to see others through HIS eyes, with HIS LOVE... so then why can't i see myself through HIS eyes??? why do i feel, at times, that all of HIS beautiful promises of 'yes' and 'amen' apply to all of humanity... except me... so, how can i stll feel that way in light of all HE has done for me and brought me through???

GOD's doin some diggin and dredging... some stuff, some ugly 'ol stuff, and some ugly 'ol foes are trying to have their ugly 'ol way... but they won't... period...

it's a battle though... but the victory is indeed mine cuz i am more than a conquerer through CHRIST JESUS... HE gives me the victory and tramples my enemies... HE is my shield of victory and HIS right hand sustains me... and my VICTORY has indeed overcome the world... HIS love endures forever...

after all, it's not about me anyway... it's about you... and it's about people like you... people that will gain wisdom from my mistakes, victories from my failures and vision from my perspectives...

sooo, perhaps it's better said like this...

i have this sinking feeling
something's weighing me down
i am completely saturated
the waves are crashing closer
my feet already drowned
doing the thing i said i hated

they've been swimming in the wrong water
now they're pulling me down
but i am clinging to YOU, never letting go
'cos i know that YOU'll lift me out

have YOUR way here
keep me afloat 'cos I know I'll sink without YOU
take this ocean of pain that is mine
throw me a lifeline

wake up feeling convicted
i know something's not right
re-acquaint my knees with the carpet
i have to get this out
'cos it's obstructing YOU and I
dry up the seas that keep us parted

-lifeline/brooke fraser


i love music... if u couldn't tell... it's the soundtrack of my life...

WORD...

Psalm 42:1-8

1 As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, my God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

3 My tears have been my food
day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

4 These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
under the protection of the Mighty One [d]
with shouts of joy and praise
among the festive throng.

5 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

6 My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

7 Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

8 By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.