hosea's wife...

where do i begin... there in lies the problem... don't know... feel like a broken record sayin that, over and over... and over again... and sooo i labor to birth these paralytically swirling and disorganized thoughts onto virtual paper...

i sorta have writers block too, yet i try to write... i sorta have sooo much to say, yet nothing at all... i sorta have sooo much to share, but just don't know how...

i sorta just need something right now... but don't exactly know what... or then again maybe i do...

sisterhood united nite earlier tonight... the message tore me up on the inside... outside too... and can't even exactly say why... it just did... but it was good... real good...

been battling distractions... big time... at times... i seem to be chasing down, unsuccessfully if i may add, the discipline and focus i was once so wonderfully acquainted with... where has it gone?... i search for it... i grasp for it, momentarily catching it, then slipping through my clenched fingers... again and again and again...

sooo fickle... --- who???... sooo unfaithful... to my own heart... and... to the ONE who is FAITHFUL... the heart is deceitful above all things... who can understand it???

sooo frustrated cuz there is this thing in me that hungers to emerge... this creativity, this desire, this PASSION, this LIFE, this understanding, this movement, this worship, this heart that is held captive, imprisoned by.....??????????.....

sooo disgusted by... hosea's wife... ummm, us... ummm... me.

honestly, for the first time i can remember, i am struggling to be completely transparent here... cuz the stuff that GOD is gettting at... is deep, real deep, almost sacred within me... mindsets that need to change... stronghold's that need to be broken... TRUTH that needs to wash, cleanse and abound within... and...

LOVE... LOVE... LOVE...

i struggle with that 4 letter word, yet have such an overwhelming, overflowing, abounding capacity for it... how ironic.

why?... why?... why?...

with receiving GOD's love... don't know why... i guess i can rationalize it, pyscho-analyze it... theorize it... whateva... 'til the cows come home... or in this case... the 'roos... and i can probably even arrive at a reasonably logical answer... but in this case, logic is just not acceptable and it's not TRUTH...

i have only just begun to see others through HIS eyes, with HIS LOVE... so then why can't i see myself through HIS eyes??? why do i feel, at times, that all of HIS beautiful promises of 'yes' and 'amen' apply to all of humanity... except me... so, how can i stll feel that way in light of all HE has done for me and brought me through???

GOD's doin some diggin and dredging... some stuff, some ugly 'ol stuff, and some ugly 'ol foes are trying to have their ugly 'ol way... but they won't... period...

it's a battle though... but the victory is indeed mine cuz i am more than a conquerer through CHRIST JESUS... HE gives me the victory and tramples my enemies... HE is my shield of victory and HIS right hand sustains me... and my VICTORY has indeed overcome the world... HIS love endures forever...

after all, it's not about me anyway... it's about you... and it's about people like you... people that will gain wisdom from my mistakes, victories from my failures and vision from my perspectives...

sooo, perhaps it's better said like this...

i have this sinking feeling
something's weighing me down
i am completely saturated
the waves are crashing closer
my feet already drowned
doing the thing i said i hated

they've been swimming in the wrong water
now they're pulling me down
but i am clinging to YOU, never letting go
'cos i know that YOU'll lift me out

have YOUR way here
keep me afloat 'cos I know I'll sink without YOU
take this ocean of pain that is mine
throw me a lifeline

wake up feeling convicted
i know something's not right
re-acquaint my knees with the carpet
i have to get this out
'cos it's obstructing YOU and I
dry up the seas that keep us parted

-lifeline/brooke fraser


i love music... if u couldn't tell... it's the soundtrack of my life...

WORD...

Psalm 42:1-8

1 As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, my God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

3 My tears have been my food
day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

4 These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
under the protection of the Mighty One [d]
with shouts of joy and praise
among the festive throng.

5 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

6 My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

7 Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

8 By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.